Anyone fighting the most serious of illnesses are supposed to be heroic people. We are supposed to be the ones that everyone looks up to. We are supposed to inspire and we feel the weight of this resting heavily on our shoulders. We irrationally feel it is our duty to be exactly all of those things.
We wage medical war against illnesses that terrify most people and we are considered strong and inspirational because we refuse to give up and let them take us from this world. We are considered brave because when our latest tests come back with bad results we smile on the outside and vow to continue the fight with no doubt in our minds that we will win. We almost never fail to put on a brave face for those we love dearly.
The reality of it all is so very different but we portray that which makes everyone else feel more comfortable.
The strength we show everyone comes from our ability to endure test after test, bad news after bad news, and our willingness to endure serious pain for the chance of coming out on the other end of it healthier and better. We shed our tears in the middle of night so that others can't see our weakness.
The bravery shown is simply the tolerance that we've built up over time for those things that terrify the rest of the world. We've learned that accept that which can not be changed which isn't to say that it doesn't anger and upset us. We just know that it is what it is and dwelling on how things could and should be different gets us nowhere.
In all honesty, if someone in your life is struggling with a serious medical condition you can bet that they aren't always being 100% honest and open with you about how they're feeling. We're far too busy trying to put forth a positive attitude and be strong.
Everyone wants to know how they can help. "What can I do?" is the most commonly repeated question when a person is diagnosed with a serious medical condition of any kind. If you want the completely true response to that question please continue to read.
What can you do? You can listen. There will be times when all we need to do is vent or talk openly and truthfully about the hell that we're going through. You don't have to understand and we don't expect you to. All we need is a listening ear from time to time from someone who won't judge us for whatever it is we need to say. The flip side to that is that you can respect that we don't always want to talk about it and instead we want to be distracted from it.
You can talk to us about all of the good things that are happening in your life because we really do want to know. We may feel envious but we really are happy to hear the good news and know that things are going right in your life. Just because things have taken a sudden and abrupt detour in our lives doesn't mean that we no longer care about yours.
You can forgive us when we cross a line which WILL happen and most likely more than once. We'll say something or do something that we truly don't mean but our emotions get the best of us and because we're in pain we lash out so that we're not the only ones hurting. It's not right and it's not fair but it is the nature of the beast. We don't expect you to not be hurt but forgiving us by realizing that it's our illness speaking and not us goes a very long way.
You can talk to us like we're still the person we've always been and the friend or family member you've always known. You can ask questions like "what's up?" or "did you catch that game last night?" instead of always focusing on our illness by asking "how are you feeling?" right out of the starting gate every time you see us. We don't always want that to be the focus of every conversation we have with you. Yes, illness has and will change us in a multitude of ways but deep down we're still the person you've always known and sometimes we need your help to reach into those depths and become that person again.
Perhaps the most important thing you can do for a friend or family member facing a medical crisis is to learn from us one of the most important lessons of all. Take nothing for granted. No one knows the future and no one knows what tragedies may be in store so live each day to the fullest and realize that nothing...NOTHING...should be taken for granted. Tell the people in your life that you love them every opportunity you get. Take that risk you've been putting off taking. Do that thing you've always wanted to do.
Tomorrow is never guaranteed for any of us. Never forget that.
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