What Do You Need?

I was recently reminded of a question that a very wise woman uses when she knows that someone she cares about is having a hard time. She wants to help but not cause a bigger problem so she goes about it in a way that’s new to me. She doesn't get in your face bombarding you with questions. She doesn't ask if she can get you this, that or the other thing. She doesn't rattle off a list of things she can do for you if you want her to. She doesn't assume anything. She simply asks... “What Do You NEED?” 

She doesn’t push you to tell her what’s going on. She trusts that at some point you’ll tell her if you need or want to tell her. She simply asks what you need no matter what the problem is and if she can give it, she will.

If what you need is a hug, she’ll give it. If what you need is a good meal, she’ll give it. If what you need is to cry, she’ll lend you a shoulder to cry on. If what you need is to simply have someone listen to you, she’ll do that. If what you need is to be alone, she’ll leave you alone (but don’t think she won’t come back to check on you in a bit).

I think it’s a great question to ask a person who is struggling with something and the honest truth is that sometimes the answer to the question is a big fat I Don’t Know and that’s OK too.  

The first time she asked me what I needed, I stared at her. I’d never been asked that before. I had to stop and think and in that particular moment I truly didn’t know what I needed other than to not be alone. She didn’t know me that well. She knew me through her friendship with my sister and she knew me from having sat with me by my sister’s bedside when she was dying. She knew me through her husband who is a part of my team of medical professionals. In fact, he and I know each other because of his wife and my sister. She’d welcomed me into her home to help me feel safe and protected and OK but she didn’t really know me. All I knew was that I needed to not be alone so she sat with me.

The next time you come across someone you know who is struggling, or even perhaps someone you don’t know all that well at all, don’t hand him or her platitudes. Don’t give them the patent responses we’ve all had programed into us about God not giving more than we can handle or that it could be worse or that it’ll be OK in the end. Next time, just look them in the eye and ask a simple four word question:

What Do You Need?

You may be surprised at the answer and trust me, the person you ask will be grateful to you for simply asking it that way without assuming anything.