Illness, Death, and Christmas

“He puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more!”--- Dr. Seuss

Christmas is a very emotional time for everyone. It is during the holiday season that we often stop and take stock of our lives. When you or a loved one is chronically or terminally ill during this time of year the emotions run even stronger and deeper.  They run stronger and deeper yet if you’ve lost someone important and special to you.

As the happy Christmas music plays and the bright lights twinkle on houses and on the light posts on main streets you almost feel mocked. How is it possible that the physical and emotional pain of living with a chronic or terminal illness can coexist with the joy of the holidays? How is it possible that the physical and emotional pain that comes from losing a loved one and the joyous holiday spirit can coexist? Doesn’t logic suggest that one negates the other? I happen to be unfortunate enough to have had to experience all of it.

I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis years ago. It’s a chronic disease. It’s progressive and it’s debilitating. I developed life-threatening infections following a routine knee surgery in 2004 that eventually resulted in the amputation of my right leg and still the infections continue. We are all too well aware that this is a battle I’m not likely to win as it continues to rage on. My oldest sister was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2014. We had two months between the day she was diagnosed and the day that it took her from us.

The holidays have always been a time of reflection for me but even more so now. I used to worry about how my family would cope if I was gone but now that worry is so much more intense. How will my parents cope when both their oldest and youngest daughters are no longer here? How will my other sister cope with it? How could the holidays ever be happy ones again? How could they not be ruined forever?

My oldest sister was a voice of reason for me and even though she’s gone, she remains that voice of reason. She must have told me a hundred times that no matter what was going on with me, no matter how sick I was or what diagnosis had been handed down, I couldn’t ruin anything for anyone especially the holidays. She’d say, “You’re here, Meg. Infection can’t ruin anything. Surgery can’t ruin anything. YOU can’t ruin anything. Remember that.” I know now that death can’t ruin anything either. She’s no longer here and we had no idea that the Christmas of 2013 would be our final one with her but we survived last Christmas and we’ll survive the Christmases to come because nothing can ruin them not even chronic illness, terminal illness, or death.

People say that I’m brave and that they don’t know how I manage to cope, especially around the holidays. They firmly believe that they couldn’t cope with it all if they were in my shoes. I firmly believe that they could if they had to and if they chose to. The truth is that it’s hard but instead of dwelling on what’s been taken or in the process of being taken from me, my family and my friends I choose to look at the benefits of it all.

Yes, as insane as it may sound there are benefits. We’ve grown closer. We’ve been forced to realize what is and what isn’t important. We’ve learned to cherish everything even more than we used to. We’ve learned who matters in our lives and who’s toxicity we have never needed and certainly don’t need now. We’ve opened our eyes to the gift that is life and just how precious and fleeting it is.

I didn’t get to choose my personal circumstances or the circumstances that my family has been given as a result; no one does. I didn’t choose to have MS enter our lives. I didn’t choose to develop the infections that ravage me now. I most certainly didn’t choose to lose my sister especially not in the way that we did. None of us chose any of these things. My other sister hates it when I say that it should have been me and not our oldest sister who passed away but I can’t help feeling that way when I’ve been beating the odds year after year and the future we all thought I’d have was destroyed years ago. I’ll never be able to understand any reason for hers to have been destroyed as well especially when it was so incredibly bright.  She was brilliant and she was meant to finish her PhD, have children, and go far. If I’d been given a choice I’d have traded places and laid down my own life so that my sister could live but I wasn’t given that choice. I was only given a choice in how I deal with it all.

Yes, others are correct in saying that I could very easily choose anger and hatred and darkness. I know that there are many who feel I have every right to choose that route and I’d be lying if I said I’d never considered it. However, I choose to see the good. I choose to see how blessed I am to have had 30 years with my sister and how blessed I am to have a second incredible big sister. I choose to see how blessed I am in my family as a whole and the people who have come into my life and become family because I’ve learned that in the end, blood only makes you relatives. It is unconditional love that makes people family. I choose to see the multitude of lessons my family has learned from our experiences and just how right Dr. Seuss was when he wrote The Grinch.

My mom has said that there won’t be as much to open this year and you can sense that she feels somewhat bad about it but there’s no need for her to. The material things don’t matter nearly as much as being surrounded by loved ones and appreciating and being thankful for every single moment of every single day that you have with them. Everyone should inherently know that but we all often take it for granted. My illnesses and my sister’s death have driven it home for me and for my family. 

Can the physical and emotional pain that comes with illness and/or death coexist with the joy of the holiday season? Yes. You just have to make the choice to let them.