Our "Go To People"

Our friends are the people we turn to most often when it comes to talking about the tougher things in our lives but not all friendships are created equal. Some of our friends are people we know we can always count on to have a good time with but can’t quite handle it when discussions turn serious. These friends are more like acquaintances with which we share the benign things about our lives and never delve deeper. There is nothing wrong with these kinds of friendships and we all need them in our lives.

Every now and then, however, we meet people with whom we forge incredible friendships where we not only are able to have fun with each other but also comfortably delve into the hard things in life. It is with these people that we are able to let down our guards and allow our personal demons to be seen. These are the people who you can call at 3am in tears or just show up at their door and know that you’ll be welcome. These are the people you think of first when tragedy strikes and you need someone. These are our “go to people.”

People are constantly asking me how I manage to stay strong despite everything that has happened and is happening. They marvel at my ability to not simply crawl into some dark hole somewhere and wallow. It’s not that I am stronger than they are. I manage to stay afloat in this churning hellish sea I’ve been set adrift in because of my friends, especially those select few who are willing to go down the rabbit hole with me when I need them to.

The death of my oldest sister to brain cancer devastated me. She was my hero and my rock and she’d been taken so fast and in such an ugly way. I’ve been sick for a long time. I was 8 or 9 when the symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis first reared their ugly heads and then in 2004 I had a routine surgery that caused a massive infection that nearly killed me and set off a series of recurrent infections that ultimately cost me my leg above the knee and continue to this day. I’ve stood at death’s door and looked the reaper in the eye more times than I care to think about or count and yet I continued to beat the odds and survive when I shouldn’t have. My sister was an amazing woman with a great life, amazingly fast wit, and incredible intelligence. She was working on her PhD when brain cancer struck and gone less than 2 full months after being diagnosed.

My emotions were all over the place and I just kept thinking and occasionally saying “it should have been me.” It took me some time to put my finger on it but what I was dealing with and being overwhelmed by was survivor’s guilt. Why was the sister who had everything going for her dead while the sister who’d been struggling to stay alive for years still living? Eventually I reached out to the one friend I knew could understand. I asked him if I could email him a personal question and warned him that it might be a topic that triggered him and if that was the case that we’d forget I’d ever asked. He responded by telling me to send him the email and after reading it was willing to venture into that awful rabbit hole with me. He didn’t have to do that but he did. He listened, revisited his own survivor’s guilt demons, and offered some advice. He helped me tremendously then and has continued to both by actions like that and by being someone to comfortably chill with and laugh with.

At the end of last year I was in a pretty bad place. I’d hit rock bottom. Someone I trusted broke my trust at the same time I was being overwhelmed by the emotions surrounding the first anniversary of my oldest sister’s death. I reached out to a dear friend who I call my sister and told her that I was in a bad way. I really needed to get away somewhere safe for a while and she did not hesitate to tell me to come spend time with her and her family. It did me a world of good as it always does and as always we laughed and joked a lot but we also had heart to heart talks about things we didn’t share with other friends; things we were only truly comfortable talking about with each other. 

A final example is my sister-in-law and, of course, my brother. First, my sister-in-law and I spent countless hours on Skype laughing and teasing each other and then discussing sensitive and darker subjects. She has been through a lot as well and some of our traumas are very similar but even the ones I've never had to deal with or vice versa are covered openly and comfortably with each other. When she called me in the middle of the night I immediately answered. She, my brother, and I have also spent countless hours sitting on their couch talking about the good, the bad, and the ugly while my niece is either nursing, playing, or sleeping. We talk about my sister as though she's still here and they believe she's one of my nieces guardian angels as do I. We talk about everything and nothing is ever a taboo subject and it never gets weird.

These are just three examples of what I mean when I call someone a “go to person.” They are the friends you know you can count on to have great fun with but also great deep conversations with. These are the friends who know you best because of your ability to share, not just the good but the bad as well. There are very few people I will force myself awake for in the middle of the night should they call me, but my "go to people" like the three I've mentioned all know that should they need me at any time, day or night regardless of what may be going on in my own life at the time, I will answer if they call. I know they'd do the same.

I am so grateful for the “go to people” in my life. I would never survive the hell I’ve had to go through without them. The Beatles were right when they sang, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” Friendships you can count on are priceless and some of the most important relationships you’ll ever have.

To the two friends I wrote of and to the several others in my life, I can not thank you enough for all you’ve done and continue to do though I know you’ll say there’s no need to thank you at all. I know how truly blessed I am to have “go to people.” Even the strongest amongst us need those kinds of relationships. No one survives in this world alone especially when it comes to surviving the most unthinkable and hardest times.