Christmas When A Loved One Dies

My sister, Michaeleh, died on November 2nd 2014. She was 37 and she was my oldest sister. It is due to her dying in November that though she's only been gone for 2 years, this is our third Christmas without her. In my personal opinion, I think it is only natural that the holidays no longer feel the same after a death such as hers in a family. How could they? In our case, a key piece of our family unit is no longer physically with us. What was once a holiday celebrated by a family of five is now celebrated as a family of four. I've been told by others, and have slowly begun to discover for myself that though Christmas will never again be the same, the spirit of the holiday remains and  we slowly begin to create a new "normal" Christmas for ourselves. There are some traditions such as putting up a Christmas tree, that will remain and there will be new traditions created. 

My sister LOVED Christmas. She loved everything about it. She loved picking out a tree, putting it up, and wrapping paper chains around it as well as placing various decorations she'd collected over the years. Michaeleh also loved Christmas music. She'd play it loudly whether she was at her home, in her car, or here at the family house. Personally, Christmas music annoys me after a few days because it's the same songs played over and over by various artists in various forms. However, her love of it and her constantly singing along and dancing to it made the music far less irritating to me. She was just too excited and cute for me to let the music get on my nerves. She loved giving and receiving presents, being together as a family, the general holiday feeling, and was a master at making Christmas cookies. No matter how old she got the magic of Christmas was alive and well within her. She worried that as we got older, Christmas in the Jones house would change but none of us ever expected it to change like it did. 

When we lost her on Nov 2, 2014, we spent that Christmas 5 hours away in NC instead of being at home. We were all equally numb and yet in tremendous pain at the same time. None of us could handle doing Christmas in the room where where my sister took her last breath as it is also the room in which we always put the tree and open gifts on Christmas morning. It didn't feel like Christmas. It also didn't feel like she was truly gone but instead just "away" somewhere. It was almost as if she was simply already married and doing Christmas with her own family even though she was not married nor did she have any children when she died. 

We stayed home for Christmas of 2015 but did very little decorating. We originally bought one of the live trees figuring we could later plant it in the yard. We belatedly realized that those trees can only be indoors for a very limited period of time so we put lights on it and put it on the back porch and got a second tree for inside that could stay up far longer. The only decorations on either tree were lights. None of us felt capable of going through our multiple boxes of decorations especially since a large amount of them are decorations that we either made as kids, were given to one of us from someone, or ones that hold special significance in regards to my sister. We also could not bring ourselves to go through her boxes of decorations. The living tree on the porch was later planted in the yard and has become known simply as "Michaeleh's Tree." Again, it didn't feel like Christmas that year and again it didn't feel like she was gone forever just that she was "away." 

This year we're home for Christmas again and this year is the first time that it feels real that it is actually Christmas and she's not here. Michaeleh died. Glioblastoma (brain cancer) took her from us and due to that there once again will be one less pile of presents under the tree. I hate it when people ask me what I want for Christmas because there's only one thing I want more than anything and it's the one thing no one will ever be able to give - what I want for Christmas is to have my sister back. I have, however, come to realize that the best way to honor her during the holidays is to channel her love of Christmas. She loved and collected nutcrackers so I put them out this year and even bought a new one. We've played some Christmas music and put up the tree though again we only put lights on it still unable to go through the ornaments.

I've been asked multiple times over the last few years what it is that I miss the most about my sister during Christmas. It used to irritate me when people asked because all I could think to say was, "EVERYTHING! I miss everything!" This year for the first time when I was asked I thought more in depth about it. What do I miss about Michaeleh at Christmas? I still miss everything but here's what I miss the most. I miss that she will never again sip her tea on the couch in her pajamas on Christmas morning. I miss that she will never again be giddy with excitement as we start opening gifts. Our gift tradition is that my sisters and I go through our stockings together and then we take turns opening gifts from "Santa." After that, my parents open their gifts and then my sisters and I hand out the gifts we personally bought for each person. I miss that we will never again hear Michaeleh argue that she should be the first to open gifts because she's the oldest and in her personal opinion...it is her right to go first.

To those who have also lost someone they love dearly and find Christmas a very hard time of year, here are some of the things I've slowly been learning since the death of my sister that I hope you'll be able to find helpful in time.

• You are going to find yourself thinking things along the lines of "I wish (loved one) was here to see this" or "man, (loved one) would have loved this."

• You may find yourself feeling guilty for enjoying various moments and for laughing and joking because your loved one isn't here to share in the joy, laughter, and jokes. DON'T! Not only do you have NOTHING to feel guilty about but remember that your loved one wouldn't want you to feel guilty. They'd want you to be as happy as you can be given the circumstances.

• Tears are going to come. You're not always going to know when or why but they will come. Let them.

• Take time to be with your thoughts, some of which will be painful but I promise you that some will make you smile.

• Talk about your loved one. Speak their name. If you have a thought that you think others might also be thinking or a feeling you want to share...speak up and share. Remember past Christmases with your loved ones and share those memories such as "Remember that Christmas when (loved one) did this?"

I was just starting my 30's when my sister died and I never in a million years thought these would be the lessons I'd be forced to learn in life and that I'd be sharing them with others at only 32 years of age. I hope that in sharing, others in similar circumstances find some solace or at least some things to think about.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! 

MAY IT BE FULL OF LAUGHTER AND LIGHT!