12 Things To Know About Losing A Sibling

In Sept 2014 my oldest sister was diagnosed with Stage 4 Glioblastoma. It's the most aggressive and always fatal form of brain cancer. She passed away not even a full 2 months later. This is a list of things I wish I'd known about life after a sibling dies.

• It’s an incredibly lonely experience even if you have other siblings alive and well and with you through it all.
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• Most people have no idea what to say to you so they don’t say anything at all.
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• Most people have no idea what to do for you so they don’t do anything at all.
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• People are more comfortable asking how your parents are holding up than they are in asking how you, yourself, are holding up. It’s understandable. The loss of a child is a loss no parent should ever have to bear and it’s one of the most unfathomable things. There’s another burden a person should never have to bear though that is often neglected. No sibling should ever have to lose a sibling. I didn’t lose a child but I lost my best friend, my protector from the day I was born, my anchor, my rock, my confidant…my big sister.
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• When your sibling dies you become part of a very secluded group. I’ve heard it called the Sibling Survivors Club, the Dead Sibling Club, the Heaven Holds My Sibling Club and various other names. It’s a group no one wants to be a part of.
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•  The world in general doesn’t want to acknowledge your pain and suffering. It’s one thing to lose a spouse and be a widow or a widower. It’s one thing to lose a child. To lose a sibling, however, is just as hard but it’s swept under the rug. People come around sharing stories of having lost their spouse or child and empathize. Very few people come around to share stories of having lost a sibling. It’s not talked about.
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• Talking to your parents about it is hard. You see the pain etched in their faces and you don’t want to add to it. You want to shield them from any further pain and anguish. You want to only talk about the good times, not the tough times because your sibling has suddenly gained Best Child In The World Who Did No Wrong status.
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•  You never fully understand just how much your sibling means to you until they are gone. You THINK you know and you THINK you appreciate them but it isn’t until you know that you will never see them again that you realize just how big of an impact they made on your life. That sudden realization is heart wrenching.
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• Your life is forever changed. The impact of a sibling’s death is felt in every corner of your world and in every single thing that happens, good or bad. There will never be a time that you don’t miss them and wish they were there.
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• You have to learn to live a “new normal.” It’s a horrific idea that your new normal is a world in which your sibling no longer walks the earth. In your new normal you can no longer pick up the phone and hear their voice or run to them when you’re hurt and scared.
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• People will constantly try to compare what you’re going through with the loss of their parent or grandparent. Their intentions are good and you grit your teeth and try to be polite in response but inside you’re screaming that it’s not the same. It’s not even close to being the same thing.
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• Your life will split into two sections: Before the Death and After the Death. You will become two people in one: the Before you and the After you. You will never again be the same.