Realistically Optimistic

By definition, pessimisim is a way of looking at life in a predominantly negative light. Optimisim, on the other hand, is a way of looking at life in a predeminantly positive light. The classic conondrum of pessimism and optimism is the philosophical question of... 

Is the glass half-empty? Or is the glass half-full?

I am neither pessimistic or optimistic. What I am is realistically optimistic.

What I mean by that is simply that when I look at the glass what I see is a glass with something in it. I don't focus on whether it is half-empty or half-full of that something. I focus on the content of the glass. I focus on that something.

For example: I have been through a lot and as of yet there is no definitive reason behind the recurrent infections I've had in my leg. At some point near the very beginning of things I stopped saying, "whew it's over." I stopped allowing my hopes to get too high. Not because I was being pessimistic, but because I was being realistic. I have always held onto hope that things were indeed over and life could finally begin to become normal again but also have always been acutely aware that infection can strike me again at any moment and without warning as it has proven so many times in the past. Does this mean that I am constantly on edge just waiting for the next one to emerge? No. It simply means that I realize that until several years have passed without any infections at all, there are decent odds of it happening again. I choose to live my life each day as though it is over for good without constant worry but due to past experiences I can not allow myself to fully believe that there is no more hell to come. I have had my hopes high and subsequently crushed far too many times before.

I tend to see the good in things, even the worst of things. I choose to learn from experiences. I choose to find the humor in situations. I choose to believe that all things happen as they are meant to happen and that one day the reason or reasons will be revealed to me. I choose to acknowledge the realistic views on things as well.

I don't think that in the end it really matters whether or not that dumb glass is half-empty or half-full. Personally, I feel the argument is a pointless one. I think that what truly matters is what is in the glass. You can argue forever over the condondrum of half-empty or half-full and never get anywhere. If you focus instead on the content of the glass, you will get everywhere. The optimistic part of who I am chooses to believe that the content of the glass is something good but the realistic part of who I am acknowledges that that might not be the case.

This world benefits greatly from the mix of optimism and pessimism. I think that it also benefits greatly from those like myself who factor realism into the equation and perhaps somtimes, it would benefit greater if there were more of us focusing on the content of the glass instead of the emptiness or fullness of it.

Mental Illness & the Death of the Funniest Man on Earth

There is a mental health crisis happening in this country and it’s not new. It’s a crisis that’s been raging for years. I am deeply saddened by the loss of the great Robin Williams but as my friend David has stated, Robin Williams did not die in vain. His death has sparked this nation to start really talking about mental illness and suicide instead of turning a blind eye to it. Depression and other mental illnesses are very real and can be very deadly.

How many school shootings have there been across this country? How many of those have been committed by people with severe mental illness in one form of another? Ages ago we decided that it was wrong to have mental asylums so we shut them down and we dumped those people out onto the street with no help. We simply expected them to “get with the program” and integrate back into society seamlessly.

I have battled depression for years. In fact, it is one of the main symptoms of multiple sclerosis. My family got me help. At the time everyone thought that it was a simple case of Seasonal Affective Disorder. It wasn’t until years later when I was diagnosed with MS that we learned how big a symptom it is of the disease. I spent the years between when I first felt like something wasn’t right and when I was finally diagnosed as a very angry person as well as very depressed. I had a gift for making people smile and laugh but I’d be in my room at night feeling horrible and on more than one occasion, contemplating suicide.

These last 10 years of my life have been a living hell. I know that a lot of people seem to believe that I never have bad days because I’ve been able to keep my sense of humor and even fine-tune it to a degree. I post goofy status updates on Facebook and I post funny graphics and I say and do things that make people smile. If you think that in my fight these past 10 years I’ve never contemplated ending it, you’d be very wrong. I’m not ashamed to admit it. There is truth behind what Bryant McGill said when he said “Comedy is often the sarcastic realization of inescapable tragedy.” Some of the greatest comedians have also fought some of the most devastating pain and suffering. While my sense of humor is nowhere near the caliber of Robin Williams’, I use humor as a shield, a coping mechanism, just as most funny people do. Carol Burnett, Richard Pryor, Stephen Colbert, Chevy Chase, and Russell Brand are just a few of the famous names that suffered great tragedies in life and turned to comedy to relieve the stress and sadness.

If you’ve never experienced such debilitating depression, I’m glad. If you’ve never been down in that deep dark hole, I’m glad. What I’d like to know is what makes you think you have the right to judge anyone who has. Suicide is a last resort and when you get so low as to contemplate it and/or follow through with it, the pain you’re in physically, mentally and emotionally is a pain like no other. No one wants to hurt those they love in this way. It is not the coward’s way out. Robin Williams was a huge supporter of our military. Did you know that every day 22 veterans commit suicide? Are these brave men and women who’ve fought for us cowards? I think not.

When I first got sick with the first few of the many never-ending infections in my leg someone asked me what they could do to cheer me up. My answer was that binge watching some of Robin Williams’ movies would probably do the trick and during one of the hospitalizations that’s exactly what my sister and I did. She crawled into my hospital bed with me and we watched Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire, Aladdin, Hook, and The Birdcage. We also watched his 2002 Broadway show which had me laughing hysterically when I didn’t even want to smile.

Instead of blasting Robin Williams for ending his pain and sorrow by ending his life, let’s allow him to teach us lessons. Let’s allow his death to be a wake up call across this nation. Let’s learn more about mental health issues and how we can help others. Let’s do what my sister and I did and binge watch his movies – learn from the serious ones and laugh at the funny ones. Let’s allow him to do what he’s always done best. Let’s allow him to make us smile.

*** If you or someone you know is battling depression and/or is contemplating suicide, please be there for them and try to get them the help that they need. 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Well Robin, your table is ready. I hope you've found the peace you were so desperately seeking. Thank you for the laughs.

What it Means to Be Strong

The phrase “you’ve got to be strong” is one we’ve all heard numerous times over the years when our lives suddenly veer off course for any number of reasons such as a serious illness or injury, financial problems, having a loved one deployed to a war zone or the sudden loss of a job. It may be due to an event that directly affects us or perhaps it’s an event that happens to someone we know and love. Whatever the case may be, “you’ve got to be strong” is one of those good old standby responses people say when they aren’t really sure what else to say. We’ve all heard it and we’ve all said it. I, myself, said it just the other day to a new amputee and it got me thinking.

What does it really mean to be strong and what is it about a person that earns them the label of being strong? Surely this strength we all hear about and talk about has nothing to do with our physical muscles and abilities for appearances are often deceiving. A person can have a perfectly toned and strong exterior while on the inside they are falling apart making their strong exterior nothing more than a mask. So again I ask what it all means. What qualifies someone as strong? The simplest answer is that the strength we all hear about and talk about is a combination of a person’s mentality and their emotional strength. For someone like me, however, that answer is far too generic and doesn’t really answer the question.

I’ve been told that I possess a great amount of strength although I don’t view myself or my actions as such. Instead I simply view it as doing what I have to do to survive and achieve my goals. While I never quite know how to respond to it and have a hard time seeing myself that way, I do understand why people feel that way about me and I certainly know many people that I personally view as possessing a great amount of strength. Drawing on my observations of such people in my life and my observations of complete strangers I’ve crossed paths with while sitting in waiting rooms or during my various hospitalizations I’ve compiled my own criteria for what I feel being strong means.

I believe that the Serenity Prayer is a perfect example of some of the qualities a strong person possesses. Strong people have the ability to recognize that there are some things in life that can not be changed no matter how much we might want them to change and no matter how hard we try to make it so. Strong people also have the ability to recognize that there are things we CAN change in our lives and they are willing to put in the effort and time to make those changes. Most importantly, strong people have the ability to tell the difference between that which we can change and that which we can not. Instead of dwelling on what can’t be changed, strong people throw themselves wholeheartedly into what they can change and refuse to give up and refuse to lose hope no matter how tough the going gets.

Strong people do not see tears as a sign of weakness but instead realize that sometimes crying is exactly what is needed. Being strong means not hiding the tears and daring to carry on afterward with your head held high. Strong people don’t dwell on or get stuck in the bad moments. They may linger there a short while but they recognize the importance of getting back up every time they fall and continuing to push forward. Strong people don’t hide from the truth and aren’t afraid to face the music of their mistakes. Being strong means confronting the sometimes ugly truth, accepting it and learning from mistakes. Strong people don’t run from change. Instead they stand tall and face it no matter how painful the blows landed by the fists of change may be. Strong people don’t let ego or pride control them. Being strong means tossing those things to the side and not being afraid to ask others for help. Strong people don’t allow the bad things that have happened consume them and make them bitter angry people. Instead they search out the silver lining and focus on the positive things. Strong people know that it’s not about how many of life’s dragons you are able to destroy on your own. Being strong means recognizing that you are not alone and acknowledging the people in our lives who gladly shoulder some of the burden without ever having been asked to do so. Strong people know that, as the late Elizabeth Edwards once said, “There’s a trick to being strong, and the trick is that nobody does it alone.”

These are just a few of the qualities that we recognize in those people we call strong and these are just a few of the qualities that we are meant to be reminded of when we are told that we need to be strong. It is a simple fact of life that hard times will find each and every one of us to some degree and what might appear to be a miniscule struggle to one person may in fact be the Mount Everest of struggles to another. No one sets out specifically seeking a multitude of struggles in their lifetime and yet it is precisely the struggles we face that build us up, make us stronger, and mold us into the people we are today.

I’m certain that if you were to look up what strength means in the dictionary you’d find quite an assortment of definitions. If you then chose 10 people and added a handful of their personal definitions of what it means to be strong I have no doubt that you’d be able to compile an assortment of definitions that would fill multiple pages. But it doesn’t matter how many definitions and synonyms for being strong there might be. What matters is that we each discover what our own personal definition of strength is and that we try our best to live up to it.

I started this with two simple questions in hopes of this blog possibly being a lantern to help illuminate the paths of those who are still trudging slowly through the darkness. What does it really mean to be strong? And what is it about a person that earns them that label? I will end this blog by asking one more. What is YOUR definition of what it means to be a strong person?

We All Get Lost In The Darkness

I’m constantly being told that for all I’ve been through and continue to go through I am an inspiration and my attitude is commendable.  I appreciate that but I must be honest, there are times when I feel like people think I’m always in good spirits, always have a smile on my face and am always making jokes about my situations. I assure you that is not the case.

There is a reason for the quote “A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face.” The reason is simple. It’s genuinely true.

What no one but my family and medical team really sees are the bad days. The forever named "Bad Meg Day: Keep Your Distance" days. It’s a joke but they’re right to call those days that because when I’m down or in a funk, it probably is wise to keep your distance or I’m likely to take your head off whether you deserve it or not. I included my medical team in the small list of people who have seen my bad days.

There are days when it all gets to me. I’m a strong person and a tough person but there are days when the weight of having MS and ongoing nonstop infection issues with my leg gets too heavy on my shoulders not to mention the addition of every day annoyances and irritations. Those are the days that I am most thankful for my amazing support team of friends and family who see the fatigue, anger and hurt behind my smile and step in to help carry the load. I will never be able to thank them enough for all that they do.

I honestly believe that no one, and especially those who have been dealt some of the harder cards in life, can truly survive without having bad days. We need to have the days where we let the anger and frustration and depression over circumstances out. Anyone who has been through hell who tells you that they’ve made peace and never have bad days is selling something and unfortunately what they’re selling is denial and the person they are selling it to is themselves.

Can one make peace with circumstances and situations in life? Of course they can. I made peace with the fact that I have MS years ago. I’ve accepted that it’s part of my life and that there will be times that it gets in the way of things but that doesn’t mean that it never upsets me when it does interfere with things. Making peace with something, in my opinion, doesn’t mean that you never get frustrated or upset about it. In my opinion, making peace means you recognize first and foremost that the situation is not in your control and secondly but just as importantly, you face your feelings about it and accept that at times those feelings will manifest themselves in one way or another.

Each of us has found ourselves lost in the darkness at one point in time or another. The darkness is different for each of us. It may be following the death of a loved one, a serious injury or disease, finding yourself addicted to something, being clinically depressed because of a chemical imbalance in your brain, breaking up with someone you love, not getting into the school of your dreams. The darkness can be anything. Each of us has been there. It doesn’t have to be a feared place and there’s nothing wrong with being down or upset about something that’s happened to change the course you were on. As I said, in my opinion, we need that darkness and we need to allow ourselves to be upset over things or else we’ll never survive. The important thing is not to allow yourself to be down and upset, to be in the darkness, for too long. The important thing is to always have a lifeline – something purely good that makes everything worthwhile to cling to and pull you back. For me, that lifeline is my family, my friends, my talents, and something a former teacher of mine said to me: “Indeed you have become a bright light to many and a hope for the hopeless.”

Yeah, I have bad days just like anyone else. I try to remain positive, upbeat, humorous, and pulled together but there are days when I simply can’t be. I let myself have those days and then I pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep pushing forward because there is so much more to me than just two chronic medical conditions and there’s so much more to life than that.

Then Survive

It isn't fair!

Fair?

No one ever said that life would be fair.

Nor did they say it would be easy.

It isn't about justice, 

It's not about what is or isn't fair.

But I want...

Want?

We all want

And we often don’t receive.

Life is about learning.

It takes hard work and focus.

Learning how to survive,

And flourish without fairness

And without pity.

Despite any tragedies

And amongst hostility.

I'm afraid!

Each of us fears things.

It’s OK to be afraid but remember…

Fear will freeze you in place.

Step up, grow strong.

Place one foot into the darkness,

Then be swallowed whole,

And emerge from the other side,

Changed and Scarred,

But Alive.

It hurts. I hurt.

Pain?

While sometimes horrific

Pain is a means of knowing you're alive.

Pain is a teacher,

And a harsh mistress,

To ensure life long learning.

But I don't like pain!

Don't like it?

Who does?

Learn to accept it.

It's a constant,

A rock to cling to-

When life crumbles,

And flood waters rise.

Help! I think I'm drowning!

Learn to swim!

I don't know how!

While, if you’re lucky,

Friends and family will help keep you afloat -

You can’t count on a White Knight to mount a rescue.

It comes down to this -

Sink or Swim.

Do or Die.

But I don't want to die!

Then SURVIVE!

Good Luck or Bad Luck?

The other day I had someone look at me, study my situation, and tell me that if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. Thinking about it I realized that this person, while studying my situation, had blinders on and wasn’t seeing anything but the bad. They were seeing the pain, the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the surgeries, the tears, the loss of my leg, the infections that seem to have no end, the hospitalizations, the arterial hemorrhage in 2009, the blood transfusions, the really bad MS attacks brought on by the stress of surgery and anesthesia. They were seeing those things and only those things.

I don't blame them. Those are certainly the things that smack you in the face when you look at the last 10 years of my life and what I've been through. They are all very hard to miss. And while as a joke I might say that I agree with them about my bad luck the truth is that the statement that if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all is false and to me, blaringly so.

The most obviously blaring sign of good luck to me is that I'm alive. Infection is a very real, very scary, very deadly thing. People die from infections every single day and because of our overuse of antibiotics in this country more and more infections are becoming harder and harder to treat making the risk of death higher. I'm here. I'm alive. I've survived over 35 surgeries. I survived the horrific arterial hemorrhage of 2009, a one in a million catastrophe that left me bleeding profusely on my couch at home. I should have died and yet, here I am.  I also have had an amazing medical team, which I'm grateful to every day. I have had to change recently due to how long this crisis has lasted and the fact that one of my surgeons will be retiring but until recently I had nationally top ranked doctors who have each given me their home numbers. They are no longer my doctors but I know I can still call them if the need is there and I have. At one point, when I returned to the hospital after a break, everyone from the registration people, the pre-op nurses, my anesthesiologist, my OR nurses, and my surgeon's chief resident immediately recognized me, knew it had been 7 months since the last surgery and the first thing every single one of them said was "Oh Meg, we really thought we'd finally kicked it. We thought we'd finally gotten you infection free." Knowing so many people at a hospital so well isn't anyone's idea of good fortune but I'm so lucky that since fate has decreed that I have to know these people, and know them well, that they are some of the best people I've ever met.

I have two incredible parents who make sure that I know I'm not alone in this fight. They put on brave faces to help change my dressings even though it hurts them to have to hurt me. I have two incredible older sisters who would move mountains for me in a heartbeat and have on some occasions. Not a day goes by when I'm in the hospital that I don't get a phone call from both of them. They put things in their own lives on hold for me. My neighbors, friends of my sisters, friends of my parents - they are all willing to do whatever they can whether it's just to drop off flowers or to go pick up supplies at the medical store for us. I have had friends go out of their way to come and visit me at the hospital to make sure that I know that I am not alone.

Some of the incredible people I'm surrounded by aren't physically here. They're spread around the country and even around the world. Many of them I keep in touch with on Facebook. They are the people who immediately know something isn't right because they pick up on the fact that I've not been posting funny pictures or I haven't been making snarky comments. They see that almost all activity on my page by me has ceased and immediately they spring into action hunting down the reason for my disappearance. They rally around me sending me prayers, good wishes, thoughts and more. They ask after me and they watch my updates anxiously waiting for the one that says I'm doing well and getting back to my normal self. Those with my phone number text and call just to make sure I know they care. I've even been honored and humbled by having wounded warriors, our nation's heroes, reach out to me. 

Yes, when it comes to my health I've hit a lot of rough patches and I've certainly had plenty of bad luck but it hasn't all been bad. To those who look at me with pity and see only the bad that has come into my life I simply ask that you also open your eyes and see all of the good. When you see the good you'll realize there is no reason to show me pity. Without being lucky enough to have such an incredible support system of family and friends I couldn't do this. I am endlessly grateful to each and every one of them and consider myself beyond lucky to have them in my corner. 

“If it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all” That may be true on some level but not on the levels that count the most. Thank you to all of you who keep my GOOD LUCK meter full!