Suicide Prevention Month

We, as a nation, have dedicated an entire month to raising awareness and prevention of suicide. In my opinion, that speaks volumes and yet so many of us still pay no attention. The statistics, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), are staggering.

Did you know that around 40,000 Americans die by suicide annually making suicide a leading cause of death in the United States? Did you know that 8.3 million American adults report having had suicidal thoughts, 2.2 million have reported making actual plans, and 1 million have attempted suicide? Those are only the numbers for those who have reported it and for each that has there are many who have not reported such thoughts, plans and attempts. Did you know that on average every 13 minutes someone takes his or her own life? Did you know that 22 veterans take their own lives each and every day? A year ago the funniest man on earth, Robin Williams, took his own life and for a while it seemed that our focus and dedication towards preventing suicide had begun to shift. I’m not sure anymore if the shift has continued or come to a halt.

There are a lot of people who, if asked, would tell you that suicide is the coward’s way out. I very intensely do not believe this to be true. There is nothing cowardly in fighting mental illness. There’s nothing cowardly in being the victim of severe bullying. There’s nothing cowardly in feeling so deeply unloved and hurt that you see no other way out.

Someone I know and greatly admire and respect sometimes works my nerves with his repeated reference to “the ripple effect.” The ripple effect is any situation in which an effect from an initial causation can be followed outwardly in increments. In simpler terms, a ripple effect occurs with any situation that triggers a series of other events to happen. There is a huge ripple effect linked to suicide.  The person who commits suicide may have ended their pain but a ripple effect of pain is passed on to their family, friends and loved ones that will never really go away. Loved ones are left asking what they could have done to prevent it or how they could have missed the signs. The questions and doubts linger no matter how much time has passed.

I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit that suicide has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. It is said, that quite often suicidal people find themselves in a quandary. They want to live but they don’t want to live with the pain they are feeling whether it’s emotional pain, mental pain, physical pain or any combination of the three. I’d have to agree.  I live with Multiple Sclerosis – a chronic, progressive and debilitating disease. One of its major symptoms is depression. I’ve also spent the years since 2004 in a battle against life threatening infections that have not only landed me in the hospital more times than I can count but eventually took my leg and created some very serious PTSD issues. I’m not the person I was when this all began. I can’t be. There have been dark days when it’s been one infection, one surgery, one hospitalization after another and suicide would cross my mind as something to seriously consider. I have been to that edge and have thankfully been pulled back. Friends and family and a great therapist have helped me see that though things have been tough, life is still worth living every day. Too many people don’t have that love and support and can’t see their way clear of suicidal thoughts. They walk to that edge and instead of being pulled back they are allowed to walk off of it because no one has seen the signs and if they have, no one has been brave enough to step up and help. Sometimes the signs are clear and sometimes people have the ability to hide them so well that no one knows until it’s too late. The loved ones left behind, however, will always feel that they should have seen them even if they weren’t visible.

If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please remember that you are not as alone as you think you are. There is help available and there is absolutely no shame in asking for it and reaching out.  If someone you know is struggling with these thoughts please do not stand silently by.  Be aware that they may be angry with you for “getting in their way” but don’t let that stop you from doing everything within your power to help them. A person who is hell-bent on dying is hard to stop and it may not be within your power or even a professional’s power to help them or stop them. If someone you know follows through on their plans do not blame yourself.

The majority of people who have contemplated or attempted suicide but survived due to the intervention of others are later beyond grateful that someone stepped in to help them. Often all it takes is being reminded that they’re not alone and will not be left alone in the darkness. Don’t be afraid to be the light for someone else. As with any other human crisis, we need to be there for one another.

National Suicide Prevention 24/7 Lifeline:
1-800-273-TALK (8255)

What Do You Need?

I was recently reminded of a question that a very wise woman uses when she knows that someone she cares about is having a hard time. She wants to help but not cause a bigger problem so she goes about it in a way that’s new to me. She doesn't get in your face bombarding you with questions. She doesn't ask if she can get you this, that or the other thing. She doesn't rattle off a list of things she can do for you if you want her to. She doesn't assume anything. She simply asks... “What Do You NEED?” 

She doesn’t push you to tell her what’s going on. She trusts that at some point you’ll tell her if you need or want to tell her. She simply asks what you need no matter what the problem is and if she can give it, she will.

If what you need is a hug, she’ll give it. If what you need is a good meal, she’ll give it. If what you need is to cry, she’ll lend you a shoulder to cry on. If what you need is to simply have someone listen to you, she’ll do that. If what you need is to be alone, she’ll leave you alone (but don’t think she won’t come back to check on you in a bit).

I think it’s a great question to ask a person who is struggling with something and the honest truth is that sometimes the answer to the question is a big fat I Don’t Know and that’s OK too.  

The first time she asked me what I needed, I stared at her. I’d never been asked that before. I had to stop and think and in that particular moment I truly didn’t know what I needed other than to not be alone. She didn’t know me that well. She knew me through her friendship with my sister and she knew me from having sat with me by my sister’s bedside when she was dying. She knew me through her husband who is a part of my team of medical professionals. In fact, he and I know each other because of his wife and my sister. She’d welcomed me into her home to help me feel safe and protected and OK but she didn’t really know me. All I knew was that I needed to not be alone so she sat with me.

The next time you come across someone you know who is struggling, or even perhaps someone you don’t know all that well at all, don’t hand him or her platitudes. Don’t give them the patent responses we’ve all had programed into us about God not giving more than we can handle or that it could be worse or that it’ll be OK in the end. Next time, just look them in the eye and ask a simple four word question:

What Do You Need?

You may be surprised at the answer and trust me, the person you ask will be grateful to you for simply asking it that way without assuming anything.