Our friends are the people we
turn to most often when it comes to talking about the tougher things in our
lives but not all friendships are created equal. Some of our friends are people
we know we can always count on to have a good time with but can’t quite handle
it when discussions turn serious. These friends are more like acquaintances
with which we share the benign things about our lives and never delve deeper.
There is nothing wrong with these kinds of friendships and we all need them in
our lives.
Every now and then, however, we
meet people with whom we forge incredible friendships where we not only are
able to have fun with each other but also comfortably delve into the hard
things in life. It is with these people that we are able to let down our guards
and allow our personal demons to be seen. These are the people who you can call
at 3am in tears or just show up at their door and know that you’ll be welcome.
These are the people you think of first when tragedy strikes and you need
someone. These are our “go to people.”
People are constantly asking me
how I manage to stay strong despite everything that has happened and is
happening. They marvel at my ability to not simply crawl into some dark hole
somewhere and wallow. It’s not that I am stronger than they are. I manage to
stay afloat in this churning hellish sea I’ve been set adrift in because of my
friends, especially those select few who are willing to go down the rabbit hole
with me when I need them to.
The death of my oldest sister to
brain cancer devastated me. She was my hero and my rock and she’d been taken so
fast and in such an ugly way. I’ve been sick for a long time. I was 8 or 9 when
the symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis first reared their ugly heads and then in
2004 I had a routine surgery that caused a massive infection that nearly killed
me and set off a series of recurrent infections that ultimately cost me my leg
above the knee and continue to this day. I’ve stood at death’s door and looked
the reaper in the eye more times than I care to think about or count and yet I
continued to beat the odds and survive when I shouldn’t have. My sister was an
amazing woman with a great life, amazingly fast wit, and incredible
intelligence. She was working on her PhD when brain cancer struck and gone less
than 2 full months after being diagnosed.
My emotions were all over the
place and I just kept thinking and occasionally saying “it should have been
me.” It took me some time to put my finger on it but what I was dealing with
and being overwhelmed by was survivor’s guilt. Why was the sister who had
everything going for her dead while the sister who’d been struggling to stay
alive for years still living? Eventually I reached out to the one friend I knew
could understand. I asked him if I could email him a personal question and
warned him that it might be a topic that triggered him and if that was the case
that we’d forget I’d ever asked. He responded by telling me to send him the
email and after reading it was willing to venture into that awful rabbit hole
with me. He didn’t have to do that but he did. He listened, revisited his own
survivor’s guilt demons, and offered some advice. He helped me tremendously
then and has continued to both by actions like that and by being someone to
comfortably chill with and laugh with.
At the end of last year I was in
a pretty bad place. I’d hit rock bottom. Someone I trusted broke my trust at
the same time I was being overwhelmed by the emotions surrounding the first
anniversary of my oldest sister’s death. I reached out to a dear friend who I call my sister and
told her that I was in a bad way. I really needed to get away somewhere safe for a while and
she did not hesitate to tell me to come spend time with her and her family. It
did me a world of good as it always does and as always we laughed and joked a lot but
we also had heart to heart talks about things we didn’t share with other
friends; things we were only truly comfortable talking about with each other.
A final example is my sister-in-law and, of course, my brother. First, my sister-in-law and I spent countless hours on Skype laughing and teasing each other and then discussing sensitive and darker subjects. She has been through a lot as well and some of our traumas are very similar but even the ones I've never had to deal with or vice versa are covered openly and comfortably with each other. When she called me in the middle of the night I immediately answered. She, my brother, and I have also spent countless hours sitting on their couch talking about the good, the bad, and the ugly while my niece is either nursing, playing, or sleeping. We talk about my sister as though she's still here and they believe she's one of my nieces guardian angels as do I. We talk about everything and nothing is ever a taboo subject and it never gets weird.
These are just three examples of
what I mean when I call someone a “go to person.” They are the friends you know
you can count on to have great fun with but also great deep conversations with.
These are the friends who know you best because of your ability to share, not
just the good but the bad as well. There are very few people I will force myself awake for in the middle of the night should they call me, but my "go to people" like the three I've mentioned all know that should they need me at any time, day or night regardless of what may be going on in my own life at the time, I will answer if they call. I know they'd do the same.
I am so grateful for the “go to
people” in my life. I would never survive the hell I’ve had to go through
without them. The Beatles were right when they sang, “I get by with a little
help from my friends.” Friendships you can count on are priceless and some of
the most important relationships you’ll ever have.
To the two friends I wrote of and
to the several others in my life, I can not thank you enough for all you’ve
done and continue to do though I know you’ll say there’s no need to thank you
at all. I know how truly blessed I am to have “go to people.” Even the
strongest amongst us need those kinds of relationships. No one survives in this
world alone especially when it comes to surviving the most unthinkable and
hardest times.
