Is It Raining There Inside You

Is it raining there inside you?
It looks as if there's rain.
The way you walk -
The way you talk -
Those eyes so full of pain.

I know you're not the type to cry;
You bear all that you can -
But pain's deep trace engraves your face
And indicates a dam.

Is it raining in those walls?
Those walls of flesh and veins.
There's a thunder when you move -
That says...inside it rains.

Don't let your walls store up the rain.
Don't hold it there for years.
Open up your windowed eyes
And drip out the stormy tears.

Un-dam that bolted upstairs door.
Let the crashing waves splash out.
Let your words of pent-up turmoil flow
In whispered drips or spurted shouts.

Is it raining in your walls -
The walls that dam your pain?
Release the well,
Of life's burdens tell.
My friend, flood out your rain.


I wrote this poem several years ago when a friend was going through some hard times and have revisited it quite a lot especially during this past year. As hard as this past year has been between the medical aspects of my life, putting my trust in the hands of the wrong person, and the death of my sister I am aware that it has been raining inside of me for far longer.  It has been raining inside of me for years on end, I just refused to let myself see, feel, and accept that. I've come to recognize that we all build dams inside in an attempt to keep ourselves safe from the harm others might cause us or that life itself might cause us but that in doing so we only cause ourselves more pain and strife. There is no shame in the shedding of tears. There is no shame in acknowledging that we need help. There is no shame in allowing ourselves to be whatever we are and feel whatever we're feeling at any given moment.

There are many people for whom allowing the rain inside to flood out is a easy task. For these people it comes naturally. For others, however, allowing the rain inside to flood out feels incredibly unnatural and nearly impossible. I, myself, fall into the second category. It has never been easy for me to open up and bare my soul. I've seen a great deal of pain and hardship in my life that has not only caused me to build dams to protect myself but to continue to build them higher, stronger, and thicker. Learning to allow the rain inside of me to flood out has been a challenge and will continue to be a challenge but I am learning what we all must learn. We, as human beings, were never meant to traverse life, especially it's dark caves and steep uphill climbs, alone. We need to let others in. I'm not suggesting that you allow every person you come in contact with into your personal life and feelings but each of us has a few good friends and/or family members that we trust and love and who trust and love us. These are the people we need to allow in. We need to allow them to see beyond the good and the happiness we project to most of the world. We need to allow them into the darkest recesses of ourselves. We need to flood out our rain.

Speak Her Name

My sister Michaeleh (Mick-I-La) has been on my mind a lot of late as we approach the first anniversary of her passing November 2nd 2014 - All Souls Day. She's especially been on my mind because of the trip I just returned from to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and their beautiful baby girl Amelia. Victor and I went to high school together and though we are not blood related, we are family. Due to my health issues it has taken far too long for me to be able to make the drive to Fort Bragg where he is currently stationed but last week I did finally make the trip and met my baby niece.

Amelia is a beautiful little girl and I'm always referred to as Aunt Meg which I love. She's such an easy going baby with the sweetest smile and cooing and good taste in music. She gets very excited when daddy plays Johnny Cash, Kenny Rogers and the songs of other such older country stars. I'm so grateful to be her aunt and to be a part of her life. I won't lie, it was at times bittersweet because I know that I will never get to be Aunt Meg to the children that my sister so desperately wanted. However, I know how happy Michaeleh is for me in getting to be Amelia's aunt.

I noticed something while I was with them that I'd noticed before but couldn't quite put my finger on. They aren't afraid to say my sister's name in my presence like so many seem to be and they didn't flinch if I said her name. So many people seem to believe that saying Michaeleh's name around me will cause me pain or isn't the right thing to do. I hate that. I truly do.

Yes, when her name is said I do sometimes tear up but they are tears of happiness and of thankfulness that you've not forgotten her or what she means to me. Yes, hearing her name causes me pain but it's a good kind of pain because she is and always will be my oldest sister and while I hate the reminder that she's no longer here physically I love her and miss her and hearing her name said helps me grieve.

The message behind this blog post is simply to ask that you please say my sister's name. Do not be afraid to mention her to me or share a memory of her. In life she was my sister, my friend, my hero, my shelter from the storm and in death she remains all of those things. Being her sister is the greatest honor I have ever been given. When she died a part of me died too and the hole left in my heart will never be filled but she's with me each and every day. The honor bestowed upon me of being her little sister is one that didn't end with her passing and wasn't just for the length of HER life. It is an honor that lasts for the length of MY lifetime.

If you know someone who has lost a loved one and you are wondering whether or not you should speak that person's name around them or are worried that it will only hurt them, think again. As I said, it will hurt but not in the way that you think it will. It will hurt because they were loved in life and they are still loved in death. It is a pain that we who have lost someone prematurely are grateful to feel because it's proof to us that you love and care for us and you haven't forgotten that a significant part of our hearts is forever damaged by the loss.

To those who continue to speak Michaeleh's name to me and continue to speak of her without fear of causing me pain all I can do is say THANK YOU. Thank you for not only remembering her but remembering who she was, is and always shall be to me.

Change and Finding Yourself

One month from today will mark the one-year anniversary of the death of my oldest sister. I still can't quite believe that it happened at all let alone that we are one month from the day that it happened. The past few months have been rough for me for a variety of reasons but mostly because when I lost my sister I lost a piece of myself and I didn't quite realize just how badly it was affecting me.  I said some things and I did some things that perhaps weren’t the best to say or do but then something happened that I thought at first was the worst thing to happen in quite some time but it gave me a blessing and a wake up call.

Someone in my life who was supposed to be there for me and supposed to help me through things could no longer deal with the pain and worry that comes from watching me suffer from my illnesses and the fact that one of them will eventually take me from this world. I was pissed and hurt and out for blood. As I stated, I said some things were that were perhaps true and that did perhaps need to be said but not necessarily in quite the way that I said them. Don't mistake me, my feeling bad about some of the things I said to this person does not negate what happened or their behavior and fault in what transpired. As my sister would have said, it simply shows my personal character.

The point, however, is that I had myself a slight meltdown and I reached out to a friend I’ve know for what feels like forever and she didn’t hesitate to say “come visit” when I said I needed to get away. I drove on down and spent time with my “sister from another mister,” her husband and their two young boys (the dog and three cats as well). Time alternating between being hysterically stupid together and deeper conversations with my friend and time with two boys who call me Miss Meg and were all over me from the minute they got home from school each day to the minute they went to bed at night was the medicine I badly needed.

Someone who saw a picture said that I looked happier and more relaxed than I had in some time and I realized that yes, I was in fact happier and more relaxed. I’d been on edge so long that I hadn’t realized just how unhappy and stressed out I had become. Between looking death in the face due to sepsis and a 106 degree fever, that person in my life telling me that they couldn’t handle watching me die, the anniversary of the day my sister was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and the looming anniversary of the day that it took her from us I had completely lost myself.

I have a habit of getting songs stuck in my head (most notably lately is "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers thanks to those dumb commercials) and I heard a song I hadn't heard in a long time while driving home. I've always loved the lyrics and right now they really strike a chord in me and it's from the animated movie Cars. In the song Brad Paisley sings the words... 

"When you go through life so sure of where you're heading and you wind up lost and it's the best thing that could have happened. 'Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well, because you find yourself. Yeah, that's when you find yourself."

The visit with my friend and her family, though cut short due to weather, was what I needed to help begin to find myself again. 

You see, it doesn't matter how strong of a person you are or how brave people perceive you to be - trauma, pain, fear, and heartache leave scars on us - they always have and they always will and it changes us. It may be illness or a sudden catastrophic event that strikes us down or it may be the loss of someone in our lives whether by death or by them walking away from us. Whatever the cause, we are left with scars and we are left changed. 

The question becomes will it change you for the worse or will it change you for the better? That choice is yours and yours alone to make and it IS a choice. We choose how we react to the good and we choose how we react to the bad. We've all known fear and we've all known pain.

Some of us have been through seemingly worse things than others but that doesn't mean that the pain and fear someone else is feeling isn't real just because it doesn't appear to measure up to ours. Never believe that you aren't allowed to feel how you feel just because of that stupid platitude thrown at us every time we turn around: "it could always be worse." Screw that. Yes, it could always be worse but that doesn't negate whatever hell is raining down in your life at any given moment.  

Sometimes I wonder if perhaps we need to get knocked down periodically throughout our lives by people and/or events in order to truly respect this life we've been given and learn not to take so much for granted. Perhaps we need to be knocked down in order to step up and move forward and become who we were meant to be.