2.) “I just know I could never make the decision to cut off a part of my body even if I knew it would save my life.”
3.) “I wish I was even half as strong and courageous as you are.”
Those are just three of the phrases I hear quite often in regards to the saga of my right leg; the three that tend to bug me the most. I know that people say such things out of respect and to let me know that they care and appreciate the struggles I’ve had to go through. I am almost always gracious, say a clumsy “thank you” and steer the conversation in another direction for two reasons...
It makes me uncomfortable when people tell me that I am such an inspiration and when things go bad in their lives they think of me and realize they don't have it that bad. As I said, I appreciate such remarks but I NEVER know how to respond and things become awkward.
I am far more than my disabilities, the demons that haunt me, and what I've had to overcome and continue to overcome. I didn't sign on a dotted line anywhere. I didn't volunteer for this battle for my life against recurring infections which has left me with and continues to leave me with more and more seriously nasty demons.
I’ve tried the “you’re selling yourself short” route but it only drags the topic out more with people adamantly telling me that they know themselves and know that they could never survive what I’ve survived. The reality is, though, that many ARE selling themselves short. Yes, there are those who truly couldn't handle it. I knew a man who'd lost a leg and struggled a lot with it mentally and emotionally with repeat surgeries and in the end he tragically took his own life. You can believe the "22 veterans a day die from suicide" statistic or not, but regardless of the actual number far too many ARE taking their own lives unable to conquer their demons.
Never in a million years did I think I would have the health issues that I have and if you’d asked me years ago if I thought I was strong enough to make it through my current situations I would have adamantly told you that there’s no way I’m a strong enough person. Yet, here I am. Doing what I believed was not in me to do. Every day people greatly underestimate themselves which is a shame.
I appreciate people telling me that I inspire them or that they see me as a hero of some kind because I do believe that they are being sincere and I also believe that each person’s trials and tribulations are meant to inspire others around them. If by sharing my experiences, it can help someone else then I will by all means share. Some in the amputee community tend to really hate it when someone dares to stare or walk up to them to ask a question. I simply see it as humans being human. We're all curious about that which makes someone different and whether we're honest enough to admit it or not, we all take notice of things that are blatantly different about others we pass as we go about our business. I don’t shy away from the questions and I don’t shy away from the stares.
There are certainly times when I get annoyed by it and my quick wit kicks in and my replies to questions are snarky or I make up a story just to see what the other person(s) will say or do. However, on the whole I believe I’ve gone through so much for a reason and that part of the reason is to help others realize that there is a strength inside all of us waiting to be tapped. You can have some of the worst things in life happen to you but you don’t have to fall to them. They don’t have to beat you down and steal who you are, your soul, your mind.
I do find it interesting, however, how people I don’t know or people I’ve only just met minutes before can look me straight in the eye and tell me that I am their hero. Really? How can that be? We’ve only just met. I don’t even know your last name or where you’re from. You’ve heard the Cliff’s Notes version of my story either directly from me or from a mutual friend and I’m suddenly lifted to hero status. That just boggles my mind. I've said it before and I'll continue to say it…I'm no hero. I'm just a survivor.
I don’t like being put on a pedestal. I’m uncomfortable with that especially when I’ve been placed there by someone that doesn’t know me. Knowing my story and knowing me are two different things. Personally, I don’t think I deserve to be placed on any pedestals. I’m just an average person who has made the best out of some bad situations and I feel confident in saying that if the tables were turned and bad situations came your way you’d make the best out of them too. I’m truly no better than anyone else and am no different than any other Tom, Dick or Harry. The only difference between me and anyone else is that I have Multiple Sclerosis and am an amputee battling recurrent life-threatening infections. Those are the things that make me different but if you stop and look around you’ll see that in more ways, far so many more ways, I’m the same as everyone else. I'm the same as you.
So please, there are two things that I would like you to take away from this post and practice in your own lives…
The next time you are in search of inspiration I beg you to first look inside of yourself before looking to anyone else. I will lend you my strength if you truly are in need of it but I think that if you look inside of yourself you’ll be surprised by the fact that you really don’t need to borrow any strength from me.
The next time you decide to put someone on a pedestal, please put them there based on more than just surviving infections, surviving an arterial hemorrhage, surviving amputation. Base it on who they are, what they do, their intelligence, their creativity, their attempts to better the world we live in, and their dedication to their passions. Those people, to me, are the true heroes of the world. Me, I’m just an average person who believes in herself.
