I’m constantly being told that for all I’ve been through and continue to go through I am an inspiration and my attitude is commendable. I appreciate that but I must be honest, there are times when I feel like people think I’m always in good spirits, always have a smile on my face and am always making jokes about my situations. I assure you that is not the case.
There is a reason for the quote “A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face.” The reason is simple. It’s genuinely true.
What no one but my family and medical team really sees are the bad days. The forever named "Bad Meg Day: Keep Your Distance" days. It’s a joke but they’re right to call those days that because when I’m down or in a funk, it probably is wise to keep your distance or I’m likely to take your head off whether you deserve it or not. I included my medical team in the small list of people who have seen my bad days.
There are days when it all gets to me. I’m a strong person and a tough person but there are days when the weight of having MS and ongoing nonstop infection issues with my leg gets too heavy on my shoulders not to mention the addition of every day annoyances and irritations. Those are the days that I am most thankful for my amazing support team of friends and family who see the fatigue, anger and hurt behind my smile and step in to help carry the load. I will never be able to thank them enough for all that they do.
I honestly believe that no one, and especially those who have been dealt some of the harder cards in life, can truly survive without having bad days. We need to have the days where we let the anger and frustration and depression over circumstances out. Anyone who has been through hell who tells you that they’ve made peace and never have bad days is selling something and unfortunately what they’re selling is denial and the person they are selling it to is themselves.
Can one make peace with circumstances and situations in life? Of course they can. I made peace with the fact that I have MS years ago. I’ve accepted that it’s part of my life and that there will be times that it gets in the way of things but that doesn’t mean that it never upsets me when it does interfere with things. Making peace with something, in my opinion, doesn’t mean that you never get frustrated or upset about it. In my opinion, making peace means you recognize first and foremost that the situation is not in your control and secondly but just as importantly, you face your feelings about it and accept that at times those feelings will manifest themselves in one way or another.
Each of us has found ourselves lost in the darkness at one point in time or another. The darkness is different for each of us. It may be following the death of a loved one, a serious injury or disease, finding yourself addicted to something, being clinically depressed because of a chemical imbalance in your brain, breaking up with someone you love, not getting into the school of your dreams. The darkness can be anything. Each of us has been there. It doesn’t have to be a feared place and there’s nothing wrong with being down or upset about something that’s happened to change the course you were on. As I said, in my opinion, we need that darkness and we need to allow ourselves to be upset over things or else we’ll never survive. The important thing is not to allow yourself to be down and upset, to be in the darkness, for too long. The important thing is to always have a lifeline – something purely good that makes everything worthwhile to cling to and pull you back. For me, that lifeline is my family, my friends, my talents, and something a former teacher of mine said to me: “Indeed you have become a bright light to many and a hope for the hopeless.”
Yeah, I have bad days just like anyone else. I try to remain positive, upbeat, humorous, and pulled together but there are days when I simply can’t be. I let myself have those days and then I pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep pushing forward because there is so much more to me than just two chronic medical conditions and there’s so much more to life than that.
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